so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
