The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
