You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
