in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
