It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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