does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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