I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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