he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
