Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
