You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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