Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
