you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
