I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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