You smell like stripper and shame
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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