you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
