Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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