Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
