What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
