I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
