if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
