i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
