K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
