im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
