I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
