I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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