The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
