wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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