Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
