how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
