Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
