She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
