So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
