Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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