Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
