I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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