Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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