If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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