I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
