Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
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