I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm like, not good at living.
There are leaves in my underwear?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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