I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
