Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
