Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
