R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize