I haven't been this sober since birth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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