party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
