Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
