I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
