I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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