He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
